letter exerpt: "getting to know me and relationships"
well, good morning to you. i'm going to reply, off the top of my head, somewhat stream of consciousness style. not out of imitation, just out of sheer fatigue, and so i can excuse myself ahead of time for sounding scattered and uh, dimwitted. ;) no shit, still exhausted.
ah, the relationship history. first thing that struck me: so it's been 10 years since you've been involved seriously with anyone? besides the probably high and low, dramatic, romantic, on again off again with you current unfinished flame? interesting. did either of the californian blonde or the english girl scar you deeply?? or are you just not all that interested in a serious relationship? it seems like, maybe dating those younger than yourself, you might be purposefully dating people you think might not want a commitment. or you might be dating girls that don't challenge you all that much. maybe you're not proud or confident in your life, and so are afraid to pursue anyone who's not lost in some way, and doesn't see you as much older, and therefor "together." young girls might tend to not ask questions? or worship you just a little bit. which is safe?? or maybe they just look good. have nicer skin and nicer bodies. AND MAYBE I SHOULD SHUT UP NOW!!!
a lot of what i just said, applies to myself-- not dating those that are younger, but dating people that don't challenge me in the ways i want to be challenged, because i am not that confident, and because it is safe. i have had three long term relationships. one from 17-23, 6 years!!, with a fun but fairly simple guy. he was 4 years older than me. we lived in europe for a year, and came home and rented a house together. by 23 he was cooking dinner every night, i was finishing university, we were watching videos, drinking healthy juices, on the verge of marriage, and (i was) bored to death. our relationship was dramatic, sometimes violent, spanned 3 different movings in and out. mostly because he loved me very much, and i loved him but always knew he wasn't "the one." i turned down 3 proposals. i would get frustrated with our domesticity, try to leave, feel sad, come back... until finally i fell completely out of love. but we are still friends, he is a warm, loyal, and honest person.
relationship number 2 went from 3 months after relationship number one, so 23, til around 27, 4 years. he was a year older than me. this one was very on and off again, but has persisted in my life in the way that he is now probably my very best friend. he was a dj, and the opposite of my first boyfriend. he was, and continues to be the life of the party. funny, fun to bring places, people always love him. i like to hide behind someone like that, because i am shy. we were somewhat sexually addicted to each other. the relationship didn't go a long way beyond that. we did think of moving to montreal together, and he drove me across the country to grad school. but in the end he didn't make the move. we spent new years 1999/2000 together in new york. broke up, but continued to sleep together for the next year and a half. this pretty much caused me a nervous breakdown, or broke my heart long and slowly. but through this process of remaining close, and never having a "time apart" we managed to forge an incredible friendship, in which there is no longer, amazingly, ANY sexual desire-- we've tested it! it's true!
relationship #3 is closest to my heart, being still somewhat unresolved. unresolved in that we are still not friends, and i want to be. we dated for 2 years, from 28 to 30. it was crazy romantic. i was publicly pursued and swept off my feet by this very handsome boy. we had sex like maniacs, stayed up all night. worked in the same nightclub. i dragged my ass bleary-eyed but in love through design school-- probably to this day accounting for my poor production skills. he stayed in my bed half the day while i was in school. i'd sometimes sneak home for lunch. he took to grooming my sexual areas the way he wanted. which was exciting. although i suspect he was not all that skilled ;) i still wear my pubic hair as he last shaped it. hell, it took me 6 months to wash the duvet cover after i moved out, because there was a little spot of guacamole he spilled on it while we were getting romantic during a movie watching nacho fest. and i won't mention that i stole then used his toothbrush right down to the plastic, til i finally had to buy a new one. that's a little sad.
i loved his openness and honesty. his sheer vulnerability and his insatiable need for sex met by my own. (noticing a pattern?) i loved his voice and his spontaneity. but did i mention he was a manic depressive with a serious coke and alcohol problem? we lived together, and he started just not coming home, for days sometimes. i would take sleeping pills to sleep, stop the restless tossing and turning, wondering where he was-- out, all night, doing drugs, in strange houses with people i didn't know and didn't respect. it was awful. i finally left, moved to new york. he said he just couldn't stand to see himself through my eyes. i was always working full time, doing design, and cocktail waitressing at night. he didn't get out of bed til i was home from my first job. i tried hard not to judge, and i loved him very much. i would have done almost anything to help him to feel better about himself. i wouldn't have left. it was hard...
and now, what? well, i know all of these people didn't challenge me or fulfill me in the way that i ultimately want. i think i have been afraid of dating someone who doesn't worship me. someone who demands that i am at my best. someone who wants me to challenge and inspire them, instead of me just being inspired by them. i know it can't be a one way street in this regard. i know this because i recently met someone who was all these things that i want. i found myself sadly not up to the challenge. and it hurt, a lot. to find what you want, to beat your head against the door but not be allowed in. it was a humbling moment that i have learned from though. and now i know where i'd like to be. in an adult relationship!! one that is mutually inspiring, challenging, and with no bullshit. one that i am not in just because someone likes me, or because it is easy. one that i am in, because i have thought it through, and it is really where i want to be. one that i didn't just happen upon through sexual addiction.
as for the burning question, "exactly how did my ex groom my pubic hair?" well, you'll just have to wonder ;)
disclaimer: please don't kill me, i might blog this.
xo me.
ah, the relationship history. first thing that struck me: so it's been 10 years since you've been involved seriously with anyone? besides the probably high and low, dramatic, romantic, on again off again with you current unfinished flame? interesting. did either of the californian blonde or the english girl scar you deeply?? or are you just not all that interested in a serious relationship? it seems like, maybe dating those younger than yourself, you might be purposefully dating people you think might not want a commitment. or you might be dating girls that don't challenge you all that much. maybe you're not proud or confident in your life, and so are afraid to pursue anyone who's not lost in some way, and doesn't see you as much older, and therefor "together." young girls might tend to not ask questions? or worship you just a little bit. which is safe?? or maybe they just look good. have nicer skin and nicer bodies. AND MAYBE I SHOULD SHUT UP NOW!!!
a lot of what i just said, applies to myself-- not dating those that are younger, but dating people that don't challenge me in the ways i want to be challenged, because i am not that confident, and because it is safe. i have had three long term relationships. one from 17-23, 6 years!!, with a fun but fairly simple guy. he was 4 years older than me. we lived in europe for a year, and came home and rented a house together. by 23 he was cooking dinner every night, i was finishing university, we were watching videos, drinking healthy juices, on the verge of marriage, and (i was) bored to death. our relationship was dramatic, sometimes violent, spanned 3 different movings in and out. mostly because he loved me very much, and i loved him but always knew he wasn't "the one." i turned down 3 proposals. i would get frustrated with our domesticity, try to leave, feel sad, come back... until finally i fell completely out of love. but we are still friends, he is a warm, loyal, and honest person.
relationship number 2 went from 3 months after relationship number one, so 23, til around 27, 4 years. he was a year older than me. this one was very on and off again, but has persisted in my life in the way that he is now probably my very best friend. he was a dj, and the opposite of my first boyfriend. he was, and continues to be the life of the party. funny, fun to bring places, people always love him. i like to hide behind someone like that, because i am shy. we were somewhat sexually addicted to each other. the relationship didn't go a long way beyond that. we did think of moving to montreal together, and he drove me across the country to grad school. but in the end he didn't make the move. we spent new years 1999/2000 together in new york. broke up, but continued to sleep together for the next year and a half. this pretty much caused me a nervous breakdown, or broke my heart long and slowly. but through this process of remaining close, and never having a "time apart" we managed to forge an incredible friendship, in which there is no longer, amazingly, ANY sexual desire-- we've tested it! it's true!
relationship #3 is closest to my heart, being still somewhat unresolved. unresolved in that we are still not friends, and i want to be. we dated for 2 years, from 28 to 30. it was crazy romantic. i was publicly pursued and swept off my feet by this very handsome boy. we had sex like maniacs, stayed up all night. worked in the same nightclub. i dragged my ass bleary-eyed but in love through design school-- probably to this day accounting for my poor production skills. he stayed in my bed half the day while i was in school. i'd sometimes sneak home for lunch. he took to grooming my sexual areas the way he wanted. which was exciting. although i suspect he was not all that skilled ;) i still wear my pubic hair as he last shaped it. hell, it took me 6 months to wash the duvet cover after i moved out, because there was a little spot of guacamole he spilled on it while we were getting romantic during a movie watching nacho fest. and i won't mention that i stole then used his toothbrush right down to the plastic, til i finally had to buy a new one. that's a little sad.
i loved his openness and honesty. his sheer vulnerability and his insatiable need for sex met by my own. (noticing a pattern?) i loved his voice and his spontaneity. but did i mention he was a manic depressive with a serious coke and alcohol problem? we lived together, and he started just not coming home, for days sometimes. i would take sleeping pills to sleep, stop the restless tossing and turning, wondering where he was-- out, all night, doing drugs, in strange houses with people i didn't know and didn't respect. it was awful. i finally left, moved to new york. he said he just couldn't stand to see himself through my eyes. i was always working full time, doing design, and cocktail waitressing at night. he didn't get out of bed til i was home from my first job. i tried hard not to judge, and i loved him very much. i would have done almost anything to help him to feel better about himself. i wouldn't have left. it was hard...
and now, what? well, i know all of these people didn't challenge me or fulfill me in the way that i ultimately want. i think i have been afraid of dating someone who doesn't worship me. someone who demands that i am at my best. someone who wants me to challenge and inspire them, instead of me just being inspired by them. i know it can't be a one way street in this regard. i know this because i recently met someone who was all these things that i want. i found myself sadly not up to the challenge. and it hurt, a lot. to find what you want, to beat your head against the door but not be allowed in. it was a humbling moment that i have learned from though. and now i know where i'd like to be. in an adult relationship!! one that is mutually inspiring, challenging, and with no bullshit. one that i am not in just because someone likes me, or because it is easy. one that i am in, because i have thought it through, and it is really where i want to be. one that i didn't just happen upon through sexual addiction.
as for the burning question, "exactly how did my ex groom my pubic hair?" well, you'll just have to wonder ;)
disclaimer: please don't kill me, i might blog this.
xo me.
posted by LEAH FRANCES @ 3:13 PM
1 Comments:
At 3:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
I love your blog!
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