then let's keep dancing

Why is it that, upon entering a certain age, everyone suddenly pairs up? Nothing new in that question, I know. Except, is it is happening to me. I looked around my department at work the other day, and realized NO ONE is single. That said, I'm supposedly not single either. I'm engaged. But hold the congratulations.

I'm finding this hooking up thing incredibly difficult. All these plans that must be made, keeping someone else in mind. Even getting groceries is an ordeal. Why can't I continue to eat a cup of soup and a can of olives, washed down with a hoegarden every evening? ice cream for dinner for a whole week, if I choose? Suddenly I must sit down to eat full meals, prepared my me, or I am some kind of disappointment.What else do I bring to the relationship, after all? Suddenly I cannot go to bed when I wish. I have to share the shower. There are weekends at inlaws, holidays spent with another person's family.

How i miss my holiday alone. Wandering the city, bundled against the cold. Looking in glowing windows. Dreaming. Can't I have just one more season of it?

Even the most surprising of my acquaintances are pairing up, quickly having kids, giving off the appearance of extreme happiness and normalcy. Is it real? Aren't we all just settling in, at a certain age, and accepting the best that we can find? And is that ok? Maybe that's all there is.

p.s. Said fiancé has a band. For this band I sacrifice many long evenings, and a perhaps even a whole year in a city I'd rather leave. What do you think? Are they worth it? http://www.myspace.com/whoopingcraneleband

FEIST at Prospect Park

Just a random rant...

Too bad none of us could enjoy Feist's Prospect Park show last night. Surprised by not being allowed umbrellas into a public park, in the torrential rain, we were all forced to leave them in a heap of thousands outside the venue, and endure hours of downpour, no cover provided and no money back. Who's going to pay the medical bill for the cold I caught? My attitude toward the Celebrate Brooklyn series has definitely taken a turn for the worse. At $35 a ticket, I don't appreciate arbitrary, and potentially health threatening rules (enforced by threats of violence!!) ruining my evening. Next time, Prospect Park, if you have to hire outside promoters, perhaps don't pick such a bunch of Neanderthals.

OUCH

I've found times in the past when I've come face to face with the etymology of a word or turn of phrase to be a real awakening. So easily language trips off the tongue, not fully realized, thought out, or engaged. I didn't think about "pulling out my hair" until during a certain design contract, at 4am, I found myself doing just that. Then there was "strung out," casual until you're cutting your dose of a mood stabilizer with a blunt steak knife to try and make it through the last bottle you can get in a 4 week period. Suddenly an idiom can take on real gravity. Segue...


I was heading out to meet Michael for dinner monday night, wearing high heels, and the carpet was loose on the top of our stairs. I fell directly from the top, flew headlong down twelve steep ones, and around a corner. my face face-planted on the twist in the landing. The bright red lipstick smear is still there.

I spent the night in the emergency room. my entire body is carpet burned and covered with lacerations. All the skin is off the left side of my face, I have a black eye, badly swollen jaw, 5 stitches on my lip. I also knocked out my front tooth. Just think "elephant man" and that is what i look like :(

i am on tylenol threes and i have a series of appts. with and oral surgeon over the next weeks. Right now i have braces across my front three teeth holding it all together. The pain in my lip and jaw is pretty unbearable.

And so.. "to fall"

1. To descend or drop freely and involuntarily, especially accidentally, by force of gravity.
Thesaurus: plunge, descend, sink, drop, decline, subside, collapse, cave in; Antonym: rise, ascend,
2. Said of rain, snow, etc: to come down from the sky; to precipitate.
3. Said eg of hair: to hang down.
4. Said of a blow, glance, shadow, light, etc: to land.
Example: The blow fell sharply on his jaw
Example: The light of the moon fell on the trees
Form: fall on something (usually)
7. To go naturally or easily into position.
Example: fell open at page 698. Said of a government, leader, etc: to lose power; to be no longer able to govern.
9. Said of a stronghold: to be captured.
10. Said of defences or barriers: to be lowered or broken down.
11. To die or be badly wounded in battle, etc.
12. To give in to temptation; to sin.
13. Said eg of value, temperature, etc: to become less.
14. Said of sound: to diminish.
15. Said eg of silence: to intervene.
16. Said of darkness or night: to arrive.
17. To pass into a certain state; to begin to be in that state.
Example: fall asleep
Example: fall in love
Example: fall unconscious
18. To be grouped or classified in a certain way.
Example: falls into two categories
19. To occur at a certain time or place.
Example: The accent falls on the first syllable
20. Said of someone's face: to show disappointment.




AND PERHAPS MORE INTERESTING:

Idiom: break someone's fall
To stop them landing with the full impact of a free fall; to cushion their fall.

Idiom: fall between two stools
To be neither one thing nor the other.
To succeed in neither of two alternatives.

Idiom: fall flat on one's face
To come to grief; to fail dismally.

Idiom: fall from grace
Said of a person: to lose standing.

Idiom: fall foul of someone or something
To get into trouble or conflict with them or it.

Idiom: fall head over heels
To fall hopelessly (in love).

Idiom: fall on one's feet
To come out of a difficult situation advantageously.
To gain an unexpectedly good fortune.

Idiom: fall over oneself (fall over backwards)
colloq To be strenuously or noticeably eager to please or help.

Idiom: fall short (fall short of something)
To turn out not to be enough; to be insufficient.
Thesaurus: be deficient, be lacking, come short.
To fail to attain or reach what is aimed at. See also shortfall.
Thesaurus: fail, be deficient, be lacking, come short.

Idiom: fall to pieces (fall to bits)
Said of something: to break up; to disintegrate.
Said of someone: to be unable to carry on or function normally, especially because of overwhelming grief, etc.
Example: fell to pieces when his wife died


Anyway, I'll think more carefully about this word from now on.

Tuesday evening, upon leaving for dinner:


And upon arriving home from the ER:




RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: I got a new kitten :)

Get Smart

A survey of high school students examined why they did not go on to college or university. 72% of students identifying a barrier to attending college or university listed “finances” as a barrier.

Between 1990 and 2006, the Consumer Price Index, the average annual change in the costs of goods and service, rose 39.2%. Over the same period, the increase in tuition fees was 196.9%.

According to American researcher Edward St. John, for every $1000 in tuition fee hikes, low-income students are up to 19% less likely to complete their studies.

A student who takes twenty years to repay a loan at 7.5% interest will have repaid 193% of the value of the loan.

In a poll conducted by Decima Research in fall 2006, Canadians preferred a tuition fee reduction to a 1% cut in the Goods and Services tax by almost a two-to-one margin.

In 2004, more British Members of Parliament opposed tuition fee increases than the illegal invasion of Iraq.

Wales eliminated tuition fees in 2002.

All tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland in 1995.

After tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland, university research funding was increased and more faculty members were hired.

After tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland, the economy was the strongest in the European Union for 5 years in a row.

After tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland, out migration—a serious problem in the past for Ireland—was virtually eliminated.

After tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland, the resulting economic improvements mitigated the need for any tax increases.

After tuition fees were eliminated in Ireland, participation among the least well off Irish families increased to 47%.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i'd like to go back to school, but i cannot afford it.

i think this is beautiful

i discovered this artist's site today, through a series of links. i spent hours reading, touched by so many things, her imagery swimming before my eyes, overwhelmed by a sense of familiar. anyway, just a little taste:

"Then he tells me he can’t see me, all the problems I’ve caused, and the sense of openness vanishes, and I feel quite alone. The thing about unrequited love is how the world just keeps ending, over and over, with every little hint."

Katharine Allen Tillman

Gimme a break, I'm warming back up...

AND SO, A SURVEY:
Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Yes, I had to change in the back seat of a 1987 piece of shit honda civic in a parking lot in atlantic city, quite recently. I drove down there in pants, and I thought backseams and red heels were more appropriate for 2am gambling.

What's something you MUST do before you die?
I'm doing well so far. I've lived in London, Edinburgh, Montreal and New York. I'd like to spend some extended time in France and Holland. Travel India. And, unselfishly, I'd like to have a child.

What color is your underwear?
I don't often wear it out of the ummm.. boudoir.

When's the last time you went out of state?
Jersey...Ikea. Love that cafeteria food. I like to watch the people struggle with the meatballs.

Any cool scars?
Appendix, but it's not that cool. My heart is full of scars, they make me who I am-- which is of course, cool ;)

Do you talk to yourself?
Who the fuck else would I talk to out here? Besides, only I get my jokes, and they're damn funny.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Infinitely.

How much does your dog weigh?
I have a stuffed PONY. Does that count? He was won for me at a Pennsylvania State Fair, and is huge. But light.

Ever waxed your legs?
No, but I've had them waxed for me on a date. It was.. well, fun.

Earrings or necklaces?
Both. But I never change them.

Who have you talked to most today?
No one yet. Except, myself. See above.

Who's on speed dial 5?
umm, speed dial?

Are you a bad influence?
I can be. But I am a good one too, under the right circumstances. I WILL make you drink out of a brown bag in public though.

What is your Zodiac sign?
Scorpio.

What makes you feel like a kid again?
A sunny day, riding my cruiser bike down a steep hill. And the ice cream truck.

What sport do you dislike most?
Football. I just don't get it.

Have you ever gone scuba diving?
Not officially. I have a lot of fun in my bath tub though.

What's your favorite smell?
french fries...the ocean....a ripe orange....my man after a shave.... sex.

Are you modest?
Who me? Blush....

Do you care what others think about you?
Yes. and no. I do things for me, but then there's that whole panopticon problem.

What do you do when you're driving?
Speed. Or if it's the BQE, freak out, swear, and stress in general. Music helps. And I love "roadtrip food."

Do you kiss and tell?
When called for, or when it spices up certain occasions.

Follow college basketball?
Nope. But my, they are foxy.

Where was the last place you went shopping?
99 cent store.

Last time you drank alcohol?
Makers Mark, last night.

Do you watch the Olympics?
Yeah, I'm a sucker for the Winter Games, being Canadian.

Last bar you went to?
Yikes, let me search way back, before my life became a hectic hell. The cakeshop, I think. Unless you count CARGO.

Are you multitasking right now?
Yes, I am "working" while doing this survey. Can't you tell?

Do you believe in Karma?
yes.

Describe your back yard?
Cherry tree, daffodils, vegetable garden, benches, grass.

How is the weather today
windy and rainy. Just like home.

Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Turned it on.

ANOTHER RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: I slept in backseams last night. They turned into front seams.

take 2 aspirin and...

Dear Ms. X,

Thank you for your recent email in which you mentioned that you maintain a relationship with someone who is utilizing a destructive means of communication. To quote your email:

"he tells me i will not do any better."

Studies show that greater than 96% of the adult population communicate in a way that is either destructive to their own or someone else's self esteem.

It is likely the individual with which you share your time is suffering from severe insecurity. In order to ease his discomfort he likely makes comments which he has discovered allow him to excercise a certain level of power over you.

Having known you for sometime I would suggest that maintaining a positive self image when in communication with this type of person could be very challenging to yourself, specifically considering the level of negative internal dialogue you have previously divulged you subject yourself too.

I would suggest careful monitoring of your communcation with this person - try to identify comments to which you react and notice whether the communication is supportive or destructive to your or his self esteem.

I hestiate to suggest any actions beyond my words here as it is best that you make choices that best suit yourself, depending upon the results of your investigation.

Should you be interested in my professional opinion, I would place the gentleman amongst that elite group of "Friends who should be bludgeoned with a pipe wrench" and dump the chump.

Best regards,
Doctor Y


PS. I shall expect your payment for my services tomorrow.
Kissy Kissy

LOWER EAST SIDE

Random fact about me: i have a crush :)

CAMERA DAY

silly but funny

the name game

Your movie star name: French Fries Frank

Your fashion designer name is Leah Paris

Your socialite name is Noodle New York

Your fly girl / guy name is L Phi

Your detective name is Cat Spectrum

Your barfly name is Salad Beer

Your soap opera name is Frances Agnes

Your rock star name is Red Licorice Cheetah

Your star wars name is Leafis Phimic

Your punk rock band name is The Sad Eyelash Curler

The Amazing Meganame Generator

white stockings in the rain become pink, oh! the trouble with red shoes.

what's it all for?

growing up, i used to take the #5, beacon hill bus home from school. this bus was overflowing with the elderly and sprinkled here and there were a few begruding high school students such as myself who couldn't afford a car. after all, i'm from a town of the "newly wed and nearly dead." there is not much in between, but that's another tale, for another time.

for those years of busriding, i could not take my eyes off this one particular woman. her face was fascinating, like a bad car crash. you wanted to, badly, but you couldn't look away. white, shiny, THICK with moisturizer. blonde hair pulled tightly back, little to no make-up. her age was anyone's guess, as was the amount of oil of olay it would take to make someone look quite this... SLICK. i am not usually judgemental about the way people choose to adorn themselves. to each their own aesthetic i say. but this lady!! i saw her daily for at least 4 years. if i saw her too close to the dinner hour, i lost my appetite. she looked like an escapee from madame tussauds: ghastly, white, smooth and taut. i found myself wondering: what was it all for?

she was dressed normally. she had on a wedding band. she carried groceries. she was perhaps going home to a family. kids? grandkids? who knew. but WHEN did she wash that crud off? WHO got to see just how wonderfully these miracle creams were working? were there 10 minutes a day, right after washing her face before bed, and before applying her mint julep night mask that her husband sidled up to her and exclaimed, "my, you look young" ?? would she, at age 75, suddenly go cream free? joyously taking her throne as the beauty queen of the beacon hill bus grey hair society?

when do we stop doing these rituals that may preserve our youth in some future regard, but prevent us from ever looking youthful in the moment? i am tired of sleeping beside people wearing crest white strips. they may as well be dentures, for how sexy they are.

anyway, cut forward 15 years. i am home visiting my parents. i catch the bus a few times. on my second to last day, she gets on. and she looks, exactly, the same: WAXY.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i do not own a digital camera. i am a complete photobooth addict and plan on purchasng one asap.

canada day?

according to central park summer stage, it's canada day today, june 25th. i do love the attention paid to detail. anyway, so i'll do 2 canada days-- one today, and one july 1st-- yes, that's right, that's the REAL one. not that it doesn't feel like a real canada day today, all rainy and grey. all i am missing is some fish and chips wrapped in newspaper, and i'd be just spiffy under my umbrella. after all, i've already had weet-a-bix for breakfast.

anyway, today is day one of a brand new start in new york for yours truly. i'll have to tell you the story of what i mean by that another time, but just take it on trust that it is. i have 2 whole canadian friends to meet in the park (equally mystified by the twice celebrated holiday), i have an afternoon of fabulous music awaiting me, and best yet: i have an excuse to leave my apartment. work has kept me prisoner in here far too long. i'm going to have fun.



RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am presently engrossed in 3 linguistics textbooks.

crocodile tears

"An insincere display of grief, as in 'When the play's star broke her leg, her understudy wept crocodile tears.' This term comes from the mistaken notion that crocodiles weep while eating their prey, one held in ancient Roman times. The actual term was picked up by Shakespeare and many other writers after him, and remains current. [Late 1500s]"

"Crocodile tears can also be used to describe large raindrops (about a third of an inch in diameter)."

growing up i was taught that it was improper to cry over emotional matters, that tears were usually an expression of feeling sorry for yourself and therefore only to be reserved for actual physical pain, such as falling off your bicycle, hard, or getting your middle finger sprained in a basketball game. my parents yelled at me when i cried, as i suppose anything a little girl would cry about was deemed too insignificant for tears. i learned to hold them back, and even as an adult to hide them away and only occasionally let them gush forth in heaving sobs, which the whole time i'm letting go of, i am feeling guilty for doing so. with me it's usually all or nothing. i don't know if that's a healthy practice, and it certainly doesn't provide much relief. my dad always called them crocodile tears, so i equate crying with selfishness.

a few days ago i lost the dearest friend who is in any sort of physical proximity to me. i do have friends at home, but that's 2,000 miles away. and this person had become as close to me as anyone i've known for a lifetime. i lost him through my own stupidity, through my own misguided actions. and now he's gone and my apartment haunts me. i look over at the table where we had dinner so often. i open the cupboards and see the food i bought in case he dropped by for a visit. today i washed out the coffee pot, realizing i had not made coffee since i made it last sunday morning, him sitting in the patch of sun falling from my kitchen skylight, telling stories, making me laugh. i can't stand to throw out his coffee cup, his mille bornes game, his pictures. and i am incredibly, truly alone.

i lay on the couch this after noon watching a film, chinatown. outside it rained in a near biblical fashion, with drops at least a third of an inch in diameter. i caught myself hugging the pillow beside me and slowly i became aware of the tears also running down my face. i did not feel guilty, and they were not selfish. i suddenly knew that sometimes it must be ok to cry. i miss you my friend, and i am sorry. i wish you the best.

hey, it's how i feel today: see pic

not much of a blog lately, i know, i know. so freakin busy. too busy for anything of note to happen to me outside of the 10 by 10 cell that is my bedroom/ office space-- and little of note happens in there as well, trust me. unless you count listening to snoring as a fun treat at the end of a day.

one good thing: after years apart, and my moving 2000 miles away, i find myself reconnecting with a dear old friend. it's truly lovely and the highlight of my morning to read his blog. i thank him :)

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: working from home i find myself doing previously unimaginable things. like today, watching "charmed" at 9am. television in the daytime? uggh. don't tell.

it's as mossy as i remembered

hey sir,

how are things in the city? i just found myself in the bathroom of a neighbourhood pub shaking sand from the beach out of my red high heels, kind of indiscriminately onto their floor...

the air here is perfumed either by the ocean or by flowers. it's rather ridiculous.

tonight i will hang out with one of my best friends in his dj booth. people watching. cracking jokes. probably drinking too much of something.

it's nice to be home.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i often sleep in my clothes, gradually peeling them off over the course of the night. i'll lose important shirts for days in the crack between my bed and the wall. even though this happens repeatedly, i never think to look there but run around posting notes in the laundry room or ripping apart my closet.

home

when you are on the deck of a boat in the middle of the pacific and you lick your lips you can taste the salt of the ocean. it is lovely.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i primarily wear vintage shoes. is that gross?

dreamboat

"How odd a figure i must seem to you now, a solitary crank who maroons himself with [VHS tapes of french new wave] and dozens of stacks of dust-jacketed [records]. Don't think I wouldn't appreciate a dramatic visit between two and three in the morning," he told her, "from an intelligent woman in spike heels and a slit skirt, with high-impact accessories." Don DeLillo, with liberty taken...

RANDOM FACT: now that's the man for me.

"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
-Tallulah Bankhead

some things

i just bit into tin foil trying to retrieve the teeny, tiny bit of shampoo that comes in those shrink-wrapped magazine samples. it is as bad as they say.

during the same shower, i experimented with the new age soap of my host--tee tree oil, castor soap or something. i now smell like a christmas tree, thank you very much.

someone was playing "landslide" on the subway today. it was nice, it sounded like the original.

i must remember to stop leaning my head back against anything remotely fabric covered, no matter how badly i need to fall asleep. a friend just had a very bad experience with said situation.

i read the "island walkers," by john bemrose this week. i enjoyed it immensely.

i saw "A Woman Under the Influence," by john cassavetes in good... company. that, i also enjoyed immensely.

i am missing canadian thanksgiving, and so am about to go out and forage for some really good mashed potatoes, and if i'm lucky, a yam. given the present state of the subways, this could honestly be the end of me. what a terrific way to go: "girl dies on hunt for potato." i can think of no better way.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i've lived in sin twice. probably the most common complaint about me is that i tend to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, just kind of wrapping my fist around it instead of rolling it neatly from the end. i even sometimes lose the cap.

due to technical difficulty, we must interrupt our regularly scheduled programming...

until further notice.

but here's an inspirational quote to keep ya going, thanks to a friend:
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
(Proust)

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have recently acquired an 80s, asymmetrical, black leather zip skirt and am now looking for a significant occasion for its debut. suggestions?

does anyone else ever feel like Sisyphus? remind me again how that story ends?

and is 30 really the new 20? or is it 40, the new 30?

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am still up and working. i just love those times when you get to realize the true meaning of once casually tossed about terms such as "pulling out my hair." i think i just did it. my ponytails are all fucked up.

update

my brother didn't have a heart attack. he has a virus that attacks the fluids around the heart, so it is going to be o.k.

my dad, since hearing about antioxidants, thinks they are a license to eat as much dark chocolate as he can, and at least one triple chocolate ice cream a day.

if you add janes addiction, "jane says" and jeff buckley, "hallelujah" to the sap list you will jump off a bridge. i know, i am just towelling off now. be careful.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i only like the crust on lemon meringue pie. anything squishy like custard, meringue, or tapioca totally grosses me out. also mixing salsa and sour cream together when dipping chips, or even dipping the same chip in both sauces is a really terrible idea. this is all very important.

sap for sale

so here it is. a little early for valentines day: my sap mix. a blend of songs from relationships old, and older. it's horrendous i know. and slightly embarrassing. but it IS what i listen to whenever i'm feeling slightly melancholy. which i am right now.

made this mix for a guy who ended up lasting a whole two weeks (maybe it was his fear of dating someone quite this emo). but anyway, it stuck. i usually put it on in the morning, after finishing my cup of tea and a whole 2 minutes before jumping in the shower. don't think i ever hear what's in the middle.

Hello Tomorrow, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Hyperballad, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Clocks (Acoustic), Coldplay
The Blowers Daughter, Damien Rice
Delicate, Damien Rice
The Mess We're In, PJ Harvey
Rufus Wainwright - This Boy (live with sean lennon)
Satisfaction, Cat Power
These Days (Nico Cover), Elliott Smith
Lost Cause, Beck
Coney Island, Death Cab For Cutie
1000 kisses, blonde redhead
Lullabye, Emitt Rhodes
I Wanna Be Your Dog , Iggy Pop & The Stooges
Perfect Day, Lou Reed
And That's Saying A Lot, Natural Calamity
from the morning, Nick Drake
My Phone's On Vibrate For You, Rufus Wainwright
Black Star (Acoustic), Radio Head
Making Believe, Social Distortion
Is it okey if I call you mine?, Sondre Lerche
Maps, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Across the Universe, Beatles
Shiver (live acoustic), Coldplay

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i usually wear patterns. often 2 at a time.

emergency exits

i just put away the groceries in all the wrong places. it's an unfamiliar fridge, full of food (also unfamiliar). condiments and pickles, cheese and meat. so much it seemed redundant to be putting in 7 bags of new food, now crowding out the old food which will likely go bad in the corners. excessive. and also just plain dissociating, at a time like this. thank god for emergency exits.

you see, my mom just dropped the groceries on the floor and ran out the door. (you may recall that i am staying at my parents, for another 2 weeks). i had been lying in bed, reading "the in between world of vikram lall," when the phone rang. my brother is in the hospital. he couldn't get out of bed this morning. blurred vision, shaking and pain. my mom ran to the car, my car, telling me to put the perishables in the freezer, and having done that, i am now sitting here waiting. in real time. telling you, because i don't know what else to do.

you know, this blog is also somewhat of an emergency exit. i was going to write today that i am going to stop blogging. i've had some weird responses lately in comments and also emails that have been disquieting and called into question whether i am an extreme ego-maniac for writing about myself in this online forum. what i've realized this morning though, right now, is that i need the outlet. at times like this, i may not craft a particularly well-written or sensible entry, but i need to say something to someone. and i don't express emotion well in person. so maybe i'll stop answering the comments, i don't know. but i'll still write.

thank you for reading. as for me right now, i'm just going to sit here and wait.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i eat soup or cooked vegetables for breakfast. i don't like breakfast foods.

see

there is a 5-headed monster in the strip mall by my gramma's house. i just can see him when i look out the passenger window of my mom's car.

if you are ever in a rut or depressed, might i recommend taking a day, 2 or 3 rolls of film, and just going out and shooting like crazy. look at angles, look at light, look closely and look far away. i hadn't seen the circular, 5 point lights in that particular mall parking lot since i was a child: able to see only the sky through the small vantage point of my 3 foot tall height, having to look up, up, up to view anything on a long car ride. i hadn't noticed how 2 lights became 20 in the windows of the zellers restaurant. i hadn't noticed the aging patterns on the walls of angela's beauty salon,the way the shadows of his plants created zig zags on my friend's front stairs, the leftover sandle in the drained park wading pool signalling the end of summer.

and now i can't stop looking.

i was in a cafe today, having my usual thai salad and cup of soup, diet coke. out of the corner of my eye i saw an elderly lady approach the cash. she had a carrot cake, a sprite, and she had ordered a sandwich. i heard that the carrot cake was too much money, and she had to put it back. and then the sandwich was too much money, so she cancelled her order. buying the sprite with the 5 dollar bill she clutched in her hand, she sat down at a table, unwrapped her straw, and sipped her pop. i couldn't stand it. the way her trousers were rolled; her white, eighties thrift store runners. i asked the cashier what kind of sandwich she had ordered and was just about to pay for it when she began to wander out. i tried to stop her, saying that her sandwich was coming still. she looked confused, said she had only paid for a pop. i didn't know what to say. not wanting to embarrass her i said the store had an extra sandwich if she wanted to wait. she mumbled that she wasn't hungry and left.

i am still sad about the big piece of carrot cake and the sandwich special that she didn't get to eat. her 5 dollars, and what they bought.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: my favorite flower is the gerbera, and my favorite font helvetica. neither seems to be trying too hard, but both manage to please.

friends, don't blog drunk. don't email either. and don't call.

do throw salt over your left shoulder when you spill it. don't walk under ladders. no hats on the bed, and watch out for black cats.

juicy tidbit that makes me feel like an absolute idiot.

o.k. so let's say you were living in a city, and there was this guy that you thought, and you were fairly sure others thought, was one of the hottest guys in said city. now let's say this guy said to you: "karenina, i have always found you attractive. i know you are here for 3 more weeks. if at any time during those 3 weeks, you would like to spend the night with me, i would be honored. here is my contact info...."

what would you do?

would you get an instant contact high from the attention, and then realize that this guy was way out of your league so therefor ignore him for the rest of the night?

apparently, i would...

and what does that make me???????????????????????????

random fact: it seems i don't know a good offer when i hear it.

oh and p.s. yes, written while DRUNK.

CRASH

PART ONE:
today my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. a long story, but i am staying in my hometown, at my parents place right now, for the next 3 to 4 weeks. i know this may well be the last time i see my grandmother, or the last time i speak with her with any sense of lucidity, although there is actually very little of that left even at this point. she told me a few years ago that before she died, it was her biggest wish to see me happy (her definition of happy): with a partner, perhaps married, and with a stable career. today i am overwhelmed with emotion: sadness for her, and a huge sense of regret and fear that i cannot give her this vision of my life she wanted to see before she leaves us. she remembers the last boyfriend that i had, and she never remembers that we have broken up. would it be terrible to let her believe i am happily involved? would it be terrible to tell her i have landed my dream job?

PART TWO:
i am at an internet cafe. i am without connection at my parents house, and writing at a place like this feels rushed and strange. i don't feel that i can really express myself. so, i give you this: while i will check in from time to time, i won't post again until next wednesday. until then, miss me, talk amongst yourselves, and perhaps fill out the questionnaire in part three.

PART THREE:
these were questions asked of me by the thin white duke in the comments section. while i am dying to answer them, and will do so in due time, again, i don't feel as though this darkened room full of gamers is the appropriate place to do some serious self-reflection. but YOU CAN ANSWER THEM! wouldn't that be fun? please do... here goes:

Truthfully, on a scale of 1-100, how vain would you say you are?

Follow up: compared to your average Nerve.com [or online] dater, how vain would you say you are?

Follow up #2: compared to your average NYC Gen-Xer, how vain would you say you are?


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i like chocolate chip mint ice cream in the summer, and strawberry or chocolate in the winter. the winter is a time for tradition, and the summer is a time to splash out, i think.

personals response

Original Message on Tuesday, August 30, 2005 6:20:28
you are up late, aren't you...
would love to know what world record you broke..
also--what kind of design do you do--i have a graphic design agency
i also saw your blog--amazing...where do you find the energy?

jake
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi jake,

now i'm up even later. i'm packing to move. it's one of those oh shit, i have to pack all night, what was i thinking going out for a long lunch today, and then a long dinner, and then watching a movie ("what the bleep do we know"-- worth the 2 lost hours and then some), and now it's one in the morning kind of situations.... terrible really. i am however drinking a bottle of california red-- ca'del solo big house red as a matter of fact. very nice. it's helping the mood, but not really the packing speed (and you have likely already noted that i am not packing right now).

i read about your tragedy: not having a good book to read. i want to remedy this, but i can't seem to come up with the perfect one. also, i highly suspect that while there are all kinds of great works of literature, there are secretly also just plain girl books and guy books. something i read recently that was kind of sexy, kind of warped, and quite thought provoking was " the reader," by BERNHARD SCHLINK (already recommended in my blog, which you mentioned reading). i lent it to a female friend who hated it, so maybe it is a guy book.

my all time favorite novel is "the unbearable lightness of being," milan kundera, maybe not as much for the content as for the situation under which i first read it. it belonged to my first lover, who became my first love. he had it beside his bed and i would read it snuggled up in his t-shirt when he got up to make dinner. i think in this way, of reading in dreamy half hour sessions it took me a little while to finish but it was a lovely approach.

because those are marginally uninspired attempts at book help, might i add a further recommendation that you enjoy a marathon of wim wenders films?

what is your webpage? i'd be curious to see your work. you're cute.

K.

oh, oh, oh!!! i've got it: read "A Prayer for Owen Meany."

p.s. you should know... sometimes nothing i write or receive in written form is safe... :)

i read this on a chalkboard tonight while sharing some oysters and black tea. it was cheering.

I'm nobody, who are you?
Are you nobody too?
There's a pair of us, don't tell!

EMILY DICKINSON

never intervene when a couple is having a drunken fight. no one thanks you, and you just end up worried for your friend and kind of wanting to cry.

FLAMING HEART

i just spent the last couple of hours on an acupuncture table. i was trying to relax, listening to gong music and whatnot, my back stuck full of needles. i couldn't feel anything except one little spot that was almost screaming in pain. it felt like a fresh bee sting. i called in the doctor and felt around gently to show him which needle was hurting. turned out it was the one attached to my heart area.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have 3 star tattoos.

how could i not post this?

my favorite review of my new zine, so far:

Hey you lap-wriggling, plucky, panty-droppin’,
PONY-scribin’ princess… I just
wanted to acknowledge (and thank you) for the fact
that I am officially in receipt of the “glorified
fliers” that are the debut PONY issue. You were
correct – you do have a kick-ass art department and
the `zine in general is a hot and worthy read. I look
forward to being a future contributor. Let me know if
you need more – music-related is my niche but I am
also up for other assignments (art, film,
ass-spanking, et al). I even really dig the
stationery! Send more of those (blanks, natch) please.
Only disappointment about the magazine was – no foxy
four-eyed photos of you (hey, alliteration is
sexy, no?)

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i enjoy a good bendy straw. you don't get them everywhere, but when you do, it's an extra little treat.

lily

my great aunt lily is in an old age home. she helped raise me, taking care of me during the day between the time that my mom went back to work and when i was old enough for play school.

my mother was telling me today how horrible lily's situation is. she has extremely advanced alzheimers. but somehow, on some level, apparently she so badly wants out of the home, and to die, that she does anything that comes into her mind in order to have them kick her out. every day she strips down to nothing, hoping, i suppose, that if she gets found naked enough times they will ask her to leave. she also makes evening excursions into the kitchen looking for knives with which to kill herself. the thing is, lily cannot string together a sentence. she cannot bathe, she cannot eat. but she manages these attempts on her life.

my mother finds this incredibly sad, but i find it inspiring. even with her addled mind, in her deteriorated state, she wants her dignity. she wants to stop existing in her shadow realm, to have people remember her for the lovely woman which she was, and not for whom she has now become. i can only see her strength and determination as an indicator of a hopeful human spirit.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am wearing glasses a lot these days. unlike contacts, they only work on the 2 inch width they cover. in my peripheral vision, my feet are blurry, my food as it comes toward my mouth is blurry. it is very odd.

advantage

dressing myself has always been a bit of a fiasco.

tonight i went to work in one "scorpio" name sock, and the other tan, blue and beige striped (hidden under my cowboy boots, but still). and then there was the mandarin collar, missing a button; the home-made skirt out of a pair of too-tight, black levis; and the unmatched brown and blue pony tail elastics. i do think the vans (think 80s skate shoes) patterned green and black checked pin saved the day however.

when i was in playschool, i was routinely sent home for wearing no underwear. my mother thought it was an excellent expression for my creativity if i dressed myself, pretty much since i was born. busy as she was in the mornings, she didn't think to check up on said dressing. i straggled out of the house in inside-out socks, gum boots and mini-skirts, and a variety of plaids that would make your head spin. i was always the one holding the sign in the class picture-- you know the one that said "grade one, class of 82" or whatever in plastic white letters on some sort of black background. at the time you thought it was an honor to be selected to hold the sign, but in retrospect, i realize they were just trying to hide my gypsy get up that was ruining the picture perfect portrait of a well-dressed yuppie childhood.

of course, back then the all-christian jack horner day care wouldn't let me on the swing set when i wore no underwear. these days, going commando has a certain... je ne sais quoi? maybe a certain advantage.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i played the saxophone in grade school. and i was good at it.

GIMMICK

8 minutes to amazing arms.

for anyone wanting an afternoon of hilarious entertainment, might i offer to you the pilates body circle kit. in just 8 to ten minutes, apparently one can have stronger, sexier arms, and increased co-ordination.

now imagine, it's as simple as simultaneously swinging the equivalent of 2 separate hula hoops, one on each arm. easily, one moves the arms up and down, at the same time as gently maintaining circular motions, the hoops swinging effortlessly. now, raise yourself up on the balls of your feet at the same time. perfect!

why did one of my circles fling out the window, while the other one hit the cat in the head? (i am deadly serious). why do i have bruises all up and down my arms from the metal rings clanging and crashing instead of gently circling?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

the only thing that got any exercise from this kit was my cheek muscles, from laughing myself to death, alone, in my living room, at the sheer spectacle i was making. hee hee.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i like to wear pearly blue eyeshadow. i think it is ironic for some reason. and for some other reason, i equate that with attractive. also, another random fact: with no real proof, i think i am a good kisser. kind of.

watch, look, peer, wonder, smile

o.k. now, i have a direct order for you, which must be carried out right away. go see miranda july's somewhat recent film release, "me and you and everyone we know." it was out june 17th in new york, and now it is everywhere. so you have no excuse.

you should do this for 2 reasons:

1) ))< >(( and that's all i will say...

2) it's fucking fabulous. i saw it this tuesday, i saw it last tuesday, and i could imagine seeing it again. it's creative, surprising, beautiful, sad, and totally funny all at the same time. it demands adjectives from all sides of the spectrum.

so stop reading and go! and get back to me with your thoughts.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: and this is a deep, dark, dirty secret. i am blushing as i write: i watch those "idol" shows- you know, like "american idol." shhhhhh... don't repeat this info to anyone. and you may only alter your opinion of me just a little bit, and not a whole bunch. o.k.? i do smart things too.

HOLYFUCKINGSHITAMAZING sex

knee socks +
pony tails +
design +
red wine +
school girls +
money

= a pathetic attempt for search engine hits/ an experiment to see if a pathetic attempt for search engine hits works.

i need some readers. you guys are dropping off like flies.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am really giving these see-through, jelly, high heeled shoes a run for their money. yesterday my toenails were red, today they are silver. oh, so fun is summer. the possibilities are endless.

ex files

received an email from an ex: a perfunctory, pleasant, friendly, check-in. how can three short lines of inquiry still take my heart to places it hasn't been in so long? memories of his back in cowboy shirts. the look of it, the feel of it's strength through the thinnest of material. or that same back viewed from a position underneath him. straining muscles forming a deep, knotted v between 2 beautiful shoulders.

i wonder as i grow older, my partners grow older, and i move toward a realm where exercising one's brain seems to take up all the time one might take to exercise one's body: will i ever have such a wonderous, youthful, view again? thank you sweet writer of business-like emails, for giving me the chance to have such a lovely vision imprinted on my mind.

random fact about me: last night's fancy red dress is wearing 2 glasses of red wine, a double vodka soda, and half a rum and diet coke. i am wearing nothing but some back-combed hair and a shitload of bobby pins ;)

your name here

so a friend of mine recently wrote me this fabulous letter. i have told him that i was going to print it out and carry it around in my pocket, to look at in times of need, in times of need of inspiration and self-confidence. i thought that perhaps you might like to fill in the blanks, print it out and write in your name in the ______ space. so put your name here: ______ and your dreams here as well: ________



THE LETTER/ start printing here:

______________ (ha! your name mis-typed!)

you are such a treasure of a woman (person). though we have known
each other so briefly, i count you among my closest and
dearest friends. (truly. it really is amazing to me.) and
you are destined for true super-nova-dom. i want you to
know that i FEEL it, and feeling it is better than knowing
it, b/c knowing involves the flawed instrumentation of the
ego. emotions are pure and always lucid predictors of
outcomes: like enlightened children who know what
butterflies are thinking. there is a radiance about you.
keep trusing in yourself, don't let negative thoughts
penetrate the loose and dynamic weave of your soul. go to
sleep every night wearing a bliss bent mouth, bathing in
your dream of ____________. never dream small, DREAM BIG and
picture youself happy and affluent and stimulated and
prolific and freakishly fecund. imagine orchids growing
out of every crevice. choreograph elaborate dances in your
head over morning coffee. find tapestries in the
oil-stained, milky-way-filled pavement of soho. (ever
notice how the streets of NY sparkle?)


i think you have.


tanned, tropicana wisemen are watching over you. swamis
with beards like lichen are chanting your name just above
your body. they are giddy at the thought of your talent
and can't wait rearrange the chess board just for you.


love, _______.

today

i bought a wedding gift today, for 2 of my best friends. mixing bowls, from their registry. will someday my friends buy me domestic goods? perfectly matched settings? shiny food processors and modern makers of toast? how odd. will everything i have now not be enough? will i need new and better?

i sat in a diner for some time today, thinking, reading, sipping diet coke. the family behind me ordered 3 servings of spaghetti and meatballs and 3 large glasses of milk. i wonder what it is like to grow up in a family like that? a family that eats lunch out together, that has the same tastes is food. i left before i got to see if they cut their spaghetti into tiny little pieces, dove in straight with their forks, or coyly and neatly wound it around and around with the help of a pasta spoon. i'm betting on the cutting, an all-out frenzy of knives scraping plates. meatball madness. but that's just my guess, anything could have happened.

i walked by a rather poor, central city nursing/ care home today. an elderly woman was waiting outside. she had obviously put a great deal of time into her toilette. her hair and makeup were "done," she was wearing muted shades of taupe and beige with a matching gold hand bag. it touched my heart to think of who she might be waiting for: an old friend, still able to drive, coming to take her out to tea? her husband, not yet confined to a home, with whom she had revived almost a sense of dating with their new routine of weekly visits? or was it a daughter? the elderly woman pleased to see her, while the daughter dreaded the visit, just one more obligation in her day.


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: tomorrow i am wearing see-through jelly high heels, and punk rock ponytails.

the usual

on this particular summer night, only the prospect of another solitary evening lies before her. she will fry her chop and read herself to sleep, no doubt with a tale of wizardry and romance. then, in dreams that strike even her as trite, miss dark will go adventuring in chain mail and silk. tomorrow morning she will wake up alone, and do it all over again.

poor judy dark! poor little librarians of the world, those girls, secretly lovely, their looks marred forever by the cruelty of a pair of big black eyeglasses! (michael chabon)

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have over 50 tank tops and a terrible dislike of my upper arms. go figure.

you asked.

well, one of my "comment posters" has deemed fit to ask me a few more questions about myself. i know i've done the quiz thing a few times, but, let's do it again. OK?

Sam Keralt: What's your favorite part of the city you live in? Why?
karenina: the favorite part of the city i live in probably has something to do with its perimeter. it is surrounded by water, by the ocean. on a good day i can smell it from my bedroom window. on a bad day, i can walk along it with chips from a chip shop, soaked in brown sauce and wrapped safely in newspaper.

Sam Keralt: What's your favorite city to walk in?
karenina: well, i can't say i've been to EVERY city or anything. but of those in which i've lived, none probably surpasses new york. i always get myself into trouble, grinding my heels down to the metal, walking to places that seem within a reasonable distance. because, really, you can walk to anywhere. depends how much time you want to spend walking is all. i once frittered away the day strolling from 95th street manhattan to president street, brooklyn. i had to stop on canal street though, and buy some new shoes.

Sam Keralt: Favorite soup?
karenina: tomato. i love them cooked in pasta sauces, or pureéd in soups. i love them grown in gardens on back stoops. the ones you can buy in a grocery store though aren't even the same vegetable. or is it fruit?

Sam Keralt: Favorite memory relating to the ocean and/or water?
karenina: oops, i already mentioned the ocean. i did have a particularly nice day one october, 2000 i believe, walking along the boardwalk of coney island. the fair itself was closed and deserted. it was my first time there, and i was enthralled by it's eerie emptiness: i could practically feel the ghosts of the summer laughing and playing all around me. i went down by the ocean and took off my shoes. walked a bit in the water. it was extraordinarily hot for autumn and i could hear dean martin playing faintly in the background. i was holding a corn on the cob in one hand and a budweiser from ruby's (the crappy bar that is open all year) in the other. i felt like anything was possible.

Sam Keralt: Favorite song that is not a love song?
karenina: hmmm.. i'll have to really think on this one. i'm such a sappy romantic. (consults i-tunes, most frequently played list). is "Y-control" by the yeah yeah yeah's a love song? i wouldn't call it an all-time favorite, but it springs to mind as a more recent one. i also like "in particular" by blonde redhead, "julia," john lennon (not a romantic love song), and "troubadours," rilo kiley.


Sam Keralt: Favorite scene in a movie?
karenina: a typical answer, but that scene with the swirling plastic bag in american beauty was nice. as for cinematography/ metaphor/ imagery/ filmic language i like a lot of what mike nichols has done: all the water stuff in "the graduate" and "closer."

Sam Keralt: Worst meal?
karenina: when i was on an 18 hour bus ride in 105 degree weather from sydney to melbourne in australia. the toilet on the bus "broke/ jammed" and i was sitting right beside it. the woman behind me was wearing gobs of perfume. the guy in front of me kept hoarking up spit into kleenexes and stuffing them between his seat and the side of the bus. his head left a greasy swirl on the window. we stopped for a meal break and i bought a hand made doughnut at a roadside stand. i bit in and it wasn't cooked. hot, gooey stuff spilled into my mouth and i puked everywhere.

Sam Keralt: Do you floss?
karenina: no, i do not. and i don't have any fillings or cavities.

Sam Keralt: Do you read a newspaper?
karenina: blushes.. no. i am faithful to none. i am a media whore. that's a stupid, trendy thing to say, isn't it? sorry.

Sam Keralt: Is there something that you used to do all the time (i.e. take pictures, karate, garden) but don't anymore, and if so, why/why not?
karenina: i spent from the age of 4 to 19 in a dance studio pretty much all my spare hours. i loved it. i still love it, in my dreams. i quit because i didn't think i was good enough. i didn't realize that everyone else i was dancing with was at least 4 years older than me. i tend to always think what i do isn't good enough. i'm working on not quitting things anymore because of my insane perfectionism.

let's all pat karenina on the back, shall we?

good god, i've taken to referring to myself in the third person.

but anyway, look, i'm in my first bonafide design show (and at such a ripe young age- ha!!), at the museum of design in atlanta. and it's all punk rock n' stuff too. check it out, here's the press release:

VIZARTS: 'Noise' rocks
CONCERT POSTERS TAP INTO EVERY SOURCE UNDER THE EXPERIMENTAL SUN

ALBUM COVER ART may be suffering in the CD format, but rock concert posters are alive and kicking.

Just take a look at "Graphic Noise," an eye-popping exhibit at the Museum of Design Atlanta (MODA) downtown. Hung cheek by jowl, posters for groups ranging from Widespread Panic and the Pixies to Elvis Costello vibrate with creative energy. Nothing is taken for granted: typeface, images, even paper are vehicles for experimentation.

The designers, including Georgia's Methane Studios and Drowning Creek Studio, are free spirits --- drawing on everything from the swirling art nouveau elements of turn-of-the-20th-century posters to medieval woodcuts, '50s children's books and aerospace. One poster, on cardboard, looks like one of those side-of-the-road, hand-lettered signs announcing the end of the world.

Definitely the hippest show in town.

THE 411: 11 a.m.-5 p.m. Tuesdays-Saturdays. Through Aug. 20. MODA, 285 Peachtree Center Ave., Marquis II office tower (near Marriott Marquis and Peachtree Center), downtown Atlanta. 404-688-2467, www.museumofdesign.org.
http://www.museumofdesign.org/exhibit_current.asp

for anyone nearby, go and see! i wish i could...

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am running short on random facts.

teasing and whimsy

 
Scorpio Horoscope for week of August 4, 2005

John Madden was a successful pro football coach who understood the value of taking things both seriously and not very seriously at all. He was a hard-working master of strategy and motivation who drilled his team relentlessly so they'd develop the discipline necessary to excel. But he also understood how critical it was to inject playfulness into the mix, even during high-pressure moments. There was one stretch in the 1970s when he prepared his players for each game with a fierce pep talk, but then refused to let them leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen could summon a belch. I recommend this dual approach to you, Scorpio. As you wade in to your upcoming dates with destiny, draw liberally on the leavening power of teasing and whimsy. ROB BREZNY

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i do not own a cell phone. i do not even know how to use a cell phone. i rarely call people who own cell phones, but rather leave them messages on their land lines. this fact about me drives many people crazy.

i miss sex.

hot and pretty

last night the building behind my loft burned down. i was lounging, drinking a belgian beer from a fancy glass and re-reading yet another book, due to sheer laziness on my part, not wanting to walk to the thrift store and buy a new one, when my apartment started to literally fill with smoke. i put on some slippers and went down to the street to find throngs on people crowding around a roped off area, watching flames as high as i've ever seen lick and tickle the vacant building behind mine. at one point the roof fell in, and a gigantic shower of sparks rained down around us. now, considering the place below mine sells wicker nicknacks, and the place beside mine stores wicker nicknacks, i became a little worried.

first thing, stupid me, i rushed back to my place and closed all the windows. too late, all of my my clothes already smelled like summer camp. then, after petting and attempting to comfort my cowering cat, i did all i could think of: went out and watched some more. as weird as i feel for saying this, fire is quite fascinating, some might even say beautiful, at such close proximity. but, after standing for just so long transfixed, the smoke dried up my contacts and in combo with the late hour, i began to feel sleepy. pondering the trustworthiness of my fire alarm, and noting that it went off pretty much everytime i toasted something, i decided between it and the fire escape, i would probably emerge alive if the things got out of control. and so i went, somewhat fitfully, to sleep.

this morning i woke up safe and sound and proud that it was my photo albums and my portfolio that i had put close to the fire escape, and not my pricey shoes and jeans. when it comes down to it, i guess i do know where it's at.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: contrary to and falling so closely on the heels of my recent fact, not to mention a lifetime of dry-eyed film watching, i actually cried in a film for the first time 2 days ago. i think i need to examine my attitude to tears, but i don't know quite how to get into it, nor if this is the proper forum.

quote of the day:
A young woman forced to keep drunks supplied with beer and siblings with clean underwear-instead of being allowed to pursue "something higher"-stores up great reserves of vitality, a vitality never dreamed of by university students yawning over their books. ---From The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

French 75

Let's talk about my new favorite drink, the French 75:

1 ounce gin
1/4 ounce lemon juice
1/8 ounce simple syrup
5 ounces chilled champagne

Shake gin, lemon juice, and syrup with ice. Strain into a champagne flute. Top with champagne.
Some people claim this drink should use cognac instead of gin. Those people would be wrong.

named during WW-I, it became famous as the drink of returning fighter pilots... they would celebrate their safe return and toast their fallen comrades with the French 75. The name came from the most famous artillery weapon to come out of WW-I, known for it's fantastic kick.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am now sporting a joan jett-esque hair style. i don't know quite what to make of it, but i think it goes well with the french 75. tomorrow i am picking up my new glasses, so from then on you may refer to me as the "don't fuck with me librarian."

more please...

i like this favorites game.

let's move onto music. here's what i would put on my mixed tape of the moment:

1)the black keys work (original)-ERLAND øYE
2) Kelly watch the stars (american girls remix by phoenix)-AIR
3) force be with you-- JAZZ LIBERATORZ
4) paint the silence-SOUTH
5) heatwave-- PHOENIX
6) Pendulum-- BROADCAST
7) C’Mon-- JUNIOR SENIOR
8) Feeling Good--THE MIGHTY BOP
9) Bees--CARIBOU
10) On my Own--ULRICH SCHNAUSS
11) Striptease-- BOB SINCLAIR
12) remind me-- RöYKSOPP
13) DOmentag-- TOSCA
14) Jenny Ondioline--STEREOLAB
15) On repeat--LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

and you? what am i missing? :)

random fact about me: i was once locked in a trunk for a period of time. i am afraid of small spaces.

your favorite?

hi. just a quick note to say thanks to everyone who has been reading.

i was wondering, what is everyone's favorite book?

i just finished "like being killed," ellen miller. it was recommended by a friend. very dark and strange, but ultimately, entertaining.

i need to be saved from reading doctor zhivago again. someone please recommend something!

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have an extremely good sense of smell. which i love.

kind

i have a male friend whose first name is valentine, and a female friend whose last name is valentine. if they were to marry, there is a chance that she might be referred to as mrs valentine valentine.

but i digress. my friend valentine, the male one, has signed on as a contributing editor for my little magazine project. (which is FINALLY coming) (write me if you want one). he has great writing connections and an all around creative energy that i can't wait to harness. right now though, he is on tour in the carolinas with his main job, the extreme kindness crew. check them out. it's inspiring to know that 4 handsome, mid twenties boys would devote their energies in such a direction.
http://www.extremekindness.com/

random fact about me: i have never cried in a film.

oh ron!

well, wasn't i glad i wore underwear to work tonight, for once. even though they were of the fishnet variety, having that extra little bit of fabric between me, the air, and ron jeremy made everything that much more wholesome.

yes, i served ron jeremy tonight. mister porn star himself. he drank 2 mojitos and a big smooth shooter (sour apple and butterscotch liquer) and ate baked halibut. sound girly to you? ya, me too.

but, i guess when you're not compensating for anything, you don't have to drive a big, fast car or drink whisky and beer. and maybe you don't have to tip well either...


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i collect snow globes.

i am tired

random fact: my kettle is shaped and painted like a rooster. i got it at a thrift store, along with much else in my apartment.

BIKINI SEASON

Travis Bickle: June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i enjoy department store restaurants.

champagne

thank. fucking. god. i have just now finished the contract from hell that i have been working on 80 hours a week for the last 3 months. time for a real summer. time for the beach, and reading, and riding my bike, and SLEEPING sometimes.

but mostly: TIME FOR A DRINK. whiskey? champagne? both? mixed together?

know what is good? it's called an aztec: a splash of melon liquer, some tequila, and champagne. crazy in a glass. just what i need. ;)

dépanneurs i have known

dépanneur, corner shop, bodega, korean, corner store.

when i was in university, i lived in montreal, on and off for 4 years in an area called the plateau. what i loved about my area was it's multi-culturalism, it's sense of community, and all the funny old men that would sit around on plastic chairs outside the dépanneur, playing backgammon and drinking beer from paper bags. all day. and all night. every day. besides the company of other old men, i think the draw for them may have been the cheap booze.

as a canadian (outside québec, we sell our alcohol in government regulated liquor stores only), this was my first experience with being able to grab a beer, anytime! right across the street from my apartment! beer was cheaper than pop and québec became a new heaven for me. anyway, my particular depanneur was more lively than most. for instance, what's his name, who ran the dep with his brother, was always there, and always willing to show you his six toes. he had an extra little toe on each foot, and always wearing flip flops, he never missed the opportunity to plunk a foot up on the counter, yes, right beside the red licorice, and show you. but, most special of all, he brewed his own particular brand of moonshine. for just 8 dollars you could bring in a 2 litre pop bottle and fill 'er up. i did this once, and drank about 2 inches of it while cooking in a punk rock vegetarian restaurant on the main where the only rule was no junk on shift (another story, another time). anyway, about 2 inches into my tea cup of illegal liquid fire, i began to hallucinate. it was a great night. a great dépanneur...

right after high school, i lived in london for a while. there, the corner shop was good for one thing. baklava. still my favorite dessert. i was 17 and still toying with the idea that i was completely responsible for feeding myself, and all the food choices that came along with that responsibility. heady in my new found freedom, i ate a 60p slice of baklava every day for a month. on my way to work. at 7am. hee hee.

in edinburgh, it was 50p candy bars that taste so much better than ours! i only put on 10 or 20 pounds...

anyway, i one day found myself all grown up, interning in new york, with a bit of money for proper groceries. living in brooklyn, my corner store became the bodega or the korean. the bodega was a block down and to the left, and good mostly for desperate late night cigarette and ice cream excursions with my roommate. ah, but the korean. never before had i encountered so much goumet food in one little store. amy's organic soups, gourmet perogies, 5 dollar packaged blackberries that i could have picked and consumed in 2 minutes in the wild near my childhood home (where blackberries literally grow like weeds). but having to PAY 10 dollars for lilac was the weirdest thing (i could lean out my window right now and pick a bunch). the korean, so much selection, and oh, so much cash at the till.

now, having lived in my location for almost 5 years, when i think of my neighbourhood, one of my fondest thoughts is of my present corner store. i can hear the ringing bell that sounds every time it's door opens and closes (which is often) anytime i am in my apartment. i think it has mixed in with the cacaphony of voices and sounds that fills my dreams at night, and has become background noise as i sit at my computer during the day. it keeps me company. richard orders in alphaghettis, red licorice, zero chocolate bars, and plain chocolate hagen daaz just for me (everyone has switched to that "extras" stuff. too fancy). and any time i walk by, the staff stop their transaction, look out the door, smile, and say hi. that daily hello, or really, many times a day hello, makes this particular corner store the best i have known so far. i think it will be one of the things i miss most upon leaving. and after 5 years of him hinting, i think i may actually go for dinner with the guy who works there. i somehow got roped into a certain bet. if he wins, it's dinner. i'll keep ya posted.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have fuzzy leopard print slippers on right now.

inspired by Sei Shonagon

148. PLEASING THINGS

the smell of the ocean in the morning on my street.

a cool breeze in autumn when wearing a warm sweater.

the first time one really connects with a new lover.

crunching through the snow at night, the streetlights reflecting crystalline brightness.

when a friend achieves their goals.

riding a bicycle downhill, with no specific destination.

the sound of pebbles under my feet when walking the beach.

finishing a difficult chore.

the smell of someone you desire.

a warm patch of sunlight on soft carpet.

lots of great champagne, and nothing pressing in the morning.

the first day of ripe blackberries.

a concert that is even better than the album.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: my exboyfriend called me "noodle."

DREAM CAR

oh, and i'd love a 1978 AMX fastback with levi strauss interior.

FORTUNE

i've been saving my fortune cookie fortunes during the past 5 years that i have lived above a chinese restaurant. i don't order often, usually a vegetarian chow fun on a sunday or tuesday night, just so you know. but, once a week, 52 in a year, 5 years: it's added up, i have quite a pile.

i'm about to embark on a bit of a journey: publishing my thoughts and vision in the form of a magazine, not to mention leaving this place that has been my amazing home through so many memories. feeling overwhelmed and a bit sad, today i needed a little inspiration. so i dipped into the fortune cup to see what i might find. you can use recycled fortunes somewhat like a tarot reading or a horoscope, don't you think? anyway:

1) YOU HAVE AN IMPORTANT NEW BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT SHAPING UP.
yes, this is true. the magazine. well, at least someone thinks it is important, contrary to all those "deadline missers."

2) A MODEST MAN NEVER TALKS OF HIMSELF.
hmm.. i must be an egomaniac, what with this blog and all. i have yet to be inspired by this fortune thing.

3) SOCIETY PREPARES THE CRIME: THE CRIMINAL COMMITS IT.
ah, this is much better, i take the blame for nothing! and those flowers i consistently steal from the bar around the corner which adorn my home so nicely, well, why worry huh?

4) THE HEART IS WISER THAN THE INTELLECT.
as someone who has been trying NOT to act on the heart (read the random sexual chemistry of relative strangers) and who has therefor not kissed anyone since march-- march goddamnit!!!-- maybe this is a fortune i should heed. perhaps i should get back to listening to my sense of smell and touch much more than trying to find out if i read the same books as someone or whether our career paths are compatible. at least i would get umm... you know.

5) SOMETHING TRULY DELIGHTFUL AWAITS YOU.
well, maybe if i stick with fortune 4, it will be kisses. i like those.

6) KEEP YOUR PLANS SECRET FOR NOW.
shit! i'd better get going ;)


random fact about me: i have rotational sets of always red sheets on my bed. cotton and satin.

i should be sleeping but....

OMG. so it's way too late for a proper lady to still be up. i've completely blown my cover.

now that you all know i AM not a proper lady... why not tell me about your night?? details please, i need entertainment!


for all of you in NYC, i found this funny to read:

1) poles need hipsters because hipsters bring new money to the area.

2) hipsters need poles because poles are proof that hipsters-- despite their increasing financial stability-- are still bohemian. living near poles is a hipster's sole remaining mark of authenticity.

3) hipsters are poles. poles are hipsters. poles sell 1950s retro gas station t-shirts. hipsters eat pickled herring.

zadie smith.


random fact about me: it is very late. i am very drunk. i WILL feel awful tomorrow. perhaps feel sorry for me around noon? thanks :) i will need your pity. and some deep-fried food of sorts.

karenina's book club ;)

top three books read in the last 2 weeks:

#1 the reader, BERNHARD SCHLINK. fucking great. challenging. weirdly moral. shamefully erotic. engaging. nightmare causing. read it.

#2) blindness, JOSÉ SARAMANGO. ya, i know. you've already read it. i was slow on this one. i buy books in thrift stores. i have to wait til rich women throw them out.

#3) the orchard on fire. SHENA MACKAY. beautiful language. funny. smart.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am almost always wearing mismatched socks. i just don't care about underclothing.

sappy

had a really bad bout of insomnia last night. am kind of drifting through this day, a little dizzy, a little shaky, a lot sappy for some reason. those who know me know i've been on a bit of a "karen o sings slow songs" kick lately. i'd recommend you download her cover of hyperballad. it sounds better than it reads. i promise!

( Björk Cover by the yeah yeah yeahs )

I go through all this
Before you wake up
To feel happier
And safe with you again

I go through all this
Before you wake up
To feel happier
And safe with you again

I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
To feel happier
And safe with you again

I go through all this
Before you wake up
To feel happier
And safe with you again
And safe with you

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i can now see, for a short time (free trial software), that a few people actually read this. although you don't comment. but thanks, i enjoy the company. and i like to know that people are out there. :)

a good omen

i am moving soon, so i am trying to teach my cat some social skills. thus far he has been an indoor pet, trapped in the dimensions of my loft, warding off chinatown mice-- a dangerous job. so he's tough, but he's never met any other cats. i'm afraid he'll come across as a nerd with poor social skills and not make any friends.

last time i owned 2 cats, they head-butted each other in greeting. so, i've been head-butting my cat whenever i come home, instead of saying hello. not sure he likes it. but he hasn't scratched my face off yet. :) and if that's a sign, the move is going to go just swell.

timely, helpful, life hints

nervous?

apology

dear blog readers,

i apologize for my admittedly LAME updates of late. my boy problem was fleeting, and the quote from earlier today was a just plain sad attempt at a post. i know. i didn't have much to say, so i searched around, hoping there was something online from one of my favorite films of the past year: CLOSER. funny, for a film with such great dialogue, and an award winning script, the pickings were slim. funnier still, i personally think one can have much more fun than lying. in fact, i'm honest to a fault. i think i may just have been attracted to the part about taking one's clothes off, at that particular moment. see? honest to a fault ;)

i'm going through a bit of a "thing" right now. a bit of a hopeful project unrealized. a bit of a falling out of a friendship. and i'm terrible at interpersonal difficulties between friends. my friends are very important to me, the center of my life one could say. it's rare an upheaval occurs. and when it does, i tend to feel a little sick til all is fixed, so bear with me. i think though, that all will be o.k.

on a good note, i will be getting a new tattoo later this week. it's going to look something like this, a little simpler, and maybe a tad smaller. (o.k. 3 attempts and the image upload feature is not working. you all will just have to wonder...)


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i cannot get enough pad thai.

JUST ASK

Alice: Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off... but it's better if you do.

that is it!

ANOTHER boy rejection. i am officially retired.

what a deal

i just narrowly escaped a bargain store with my life, or at least my chequing account. i swear, i go into those places and something about the dingy little aisles and the flickering fluorescent lights turns me into a spaced out, wandering, frenzied, freak. suddenly, everything looks fucking fascinating.

so i've arrived home with a glittery mini-stapler, a 4 pack of metallic pencil sharpeners, 2 ten packs of multi-colored creamy eye shadows, a large bag of cheezies, a vegetable cup-a-soup, a pink bikini, and a pair of striped toe socks. yeesh.










RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i never answer the phone. ever.

Xin yi hua

Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how fucking stupid I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how *crazy* I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I got troubles, okay?
Jim Kurring: I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I started this didn't I, didn't I -- fuck!
Jim Kurring: Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.
Claudia Wilson Gator: ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?
Jim Kurring: Yes, I do.

turn the tables

hi there. just had the most lovely hour. i had been working all morning without eating, and it was well into the day. so i decided to venture out to a little coffee shop/ bakery with a new book. the walls of the bakery were painted one a warm turquiose and the other a bright apple green, such that they conspired, in combination, to make me feel as though i was in some peaceful and deserted spot in greece or something--rather than a ditchy road in chinatown. after my soup, i was so enjoying myself, i decided to stay on for a cup of tea and a strawberry rhubarb danish. beside the atmosphere, and i have vowed to go back and photograph the walls so that i can paint my next apartment exactly those colors, it was really my new book that made the hour so great. after trudging through more than a few unenjoyable ones in the last couple of weeks, shena mackay's "the orchard on fire" announced itself as wonderful right from the first pages. i'm only a bit in, and i'd already highly recommend it. thank god i threw my last book out the window at the workers who were power washing the street outside my loft at 6:19 yesterday morning. ugghh.

anyway, i'm back home now, and i was thinking: you all know so much about me. i'm interested in music. these are a few truncated and edited questions from an interview i just did with a band that i like. answer them, if you will:

Q: Yo la Tengo’s song Cherry Chapstick has been on my “get ready to go out at night” playlist for years. I’ve drank wine with friends, put on makeup, been silly to it. What particular song means a lot to you? Says something about your identity? And is there a particular song that fits with a really outstanding memory in your life?

Q: Again on the issue of identity: what albums had the most impact on you individually when you were growing up?
Q: What are you listening to a lot right now?

Q: Does what you are doing/ how you are living match up with where you pictured yourself being when you were a little kid? I know I’m continually surprised at how my life has turned out so far.

Q: How do you generally spend your days?

Q: If you could do write a soundtrack for any film, what would that be?

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: in the past i have made a living designing handbags, accessories, t-shirts, and clothing. i don't know how to use a sewing machine, so i do everything by hand. it generally falls apart, and i feel guilty. so, i've stopped.

girlish

things are lookin' pretty sweet today. it's sunny enough to wear a tube top, my pile of dirty dishes is small (er than normal), the diet coke addiction rages on, and i'm just about to shower and change into a pretty dress for a pretend date with a hot man. (this is something i do-- making my hot male friends accompany me to dinner at fine places for lovely food and wine). and right now i'm drinking a hoegaarden after a long day of work.

today, i actually feel like a girl ;)

the best thing

the best thing about being single is that it is likely i will get to experience the deliciousness of falling in love at least one more time.

i would rather be

At the Tomatina Tomato Throwing Festival in Spain, or ice skating across the frozen canals of Holland. And you?

you never know

you just never know how life is going to turn out. spent today in my bikini at this trashy pool/ poolside bar near my loft. had some french fries and a corona. 2 of my oldest friends, who met through me, are getting married, and have a 5 week old baby boy together. so. they get into funny wedding clothes we bought in a nearby thrift store. my girl friend wears this terrible, 70's, white gauze number with yellow flowers. my guy friend wears a brown poly suit. i put on my goggles, grab the waterproof camera, and we all dive in. we laughed the afternoon away attempting to all stay underwater at the same time, while i shot pics for their wedding invites. at one point my girl friend had to get out, dripping wet, peel back her wedding dress and breast feed their baby admist the seasoned poolside drinkers. i looked at her and said, "when you were a little girl, did you ever picture yourself wearing a wedding dress, sopping wet, at a bar like this, breastfeeding?" uh, no.

sometimes things turn out even better than you ever imagined they would. :)

here's to you, mrs robinson

i just bought the most amazing strawberries at the grocery store. they reminded me of the ones in my backyard when i was a little girl: mishapen, small, but bright red and pungent. so pungent that their smell filled up my car with foreshadowings of summer. so pungent that they may not have survived the ride home. forgive me, they were delicious, so sweet and so cold. but no one was saving them for breakfast, so why apologize? sometimes the little things remind me that being an adult is not all bad. like not having a mom telling you you can only eat 5 strawberries, the rest being saved for some lame salad with spinach!!! or something.

so i'm doing a collage in commemoration of anne bancroft, with a particular focus on her mrs. robinson years. i went looking for a leopard print bra and underwear. what else (oh, besides maybe stockings) do you think of when you think of her? (that's not rhetorical, answer it dummy). anyway, i couldn't find the perfect leopard print. i took a pretty lame poloroid in a department store changeroom. but the colors were all washed out. and fuck it! unfortunately i ended up spending WAY too much money on lingerie for myself, which was not the purpose of the exercise. i'm not even a lingerie girl. and who will see it? i got home, left the tags on, and stuffed it in my drawer. good one. and i STILL need a picture.

i'd tell you a sad story about how the woman in front of me in the department store restaurant told the clerk she treats herself to one week a year eating there (her birthday week). and that this was the last day of that week, so she'd see her next year. and that her purchase came to $8.59. and that she said of course she couldn't afford to eat that way all year. that would be ridiculous. and that her birthday lunch was chicken wings, mashed potatoes with no gravy, and tri-colored frozen vegetables. but telling you would make me sad.

random fact ABOUT ME: i live above a chinese restaurant and invest in a steady string of crisp breeze air wicks to keep my clothes from smelling of bok choy.

someone called me a

whip-smart hot Canadian cherry bomb.

that most excellent compliment is sure to put a smile on my face for days.

thank you.

your good intentions

i read this today, and found it to be wonderful. in fact, the whole blog (miranda july) was lovely. i will link it on the side.



"My friend Khaela in Portland made this cake for me. What is worth noting is how she was determined to write Congratulations Miranda even though it must have been immediately clear that it wouldn't fit. This is the kind of "fuck it, I'm just going to keep on going anyway" energy that is really required to do anything at all these days. The next time your plans start disintegrating, think of this cake and remember that what matters is finishing the job and your good intentions."
miranda july.

one of those lame questionnaires

SO SHOOT ME. I'M TIRED, AND THESE ARE KIND OF FUN...

Your good luck charm: written directions to a job i got
Stupidest thing you have ever done: perhaps, writing this
What's your room like: colorful, warm, sunny
Your crush: i don't have one
Last thing you said: no
What is beside you: a whole pile of papers, a diet coke bottle, scanner, printer, snow globe, and a hagen daz wrapper.
Last thing you ate: alphaghettis
What kind of shampoo do you use: whatever smells good
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: best friend moved away

Single or Taken: single
Sex: is fun, as i recall
Birthday: november 7
Sign: that makes me a Scorpio
Siblings: yes
Hair color: brown
Eye color: see above
Shoe size: 8 ish
Height: 5'9
Innie or Outie: innie
What are you wearing right now: a hoodie. this chair is cold...
Where do you live: at my house
Righty or lefty: goes back and forth
Do you have a bf or gf?: does a cat friend count?
Best place to go for a date? somewhere involving kissing
Where is your fav place to shop?: anywhere with happy hour martinis. dirty, vodka. yum.
Do you have any tattoos or piercings?: some.

Favorites

Color: red
Food: i have a potato problem. mashed. fried. knished.
Subject in school: photography, too long ago. school was fun.
Animal: all of them.
Number: 7


Drink alcoholic: le beer
Celebrity: moving on...
Veggie: broccolli, cooked; carrots, raw.
Fruit: passion
Place to visit: turkey
Month: october
Show: sex tv
Juice: grapefruit
Ice Cream: chocolate
Breakfast: hashbrowns
Perfume: nope
Favorite cartoon character: handy smurf

have you ever...

smoked: in high school
Bungee jumped: no
Broken the law: how am i not in jail?
Made yourself throw-up: to save myself from tequila poisoning..
Gone skinny dipping: of course
Been in the opposite sex's washroom: washroom? ha.
Eaten a dog biscuit: no
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: no, but there was a popscicle incident
Broken a bone: no
Played truth or dare: yes
Been in a physical fight: no
Been in a police car: no
Been on a plane: too often
Been in a sauna: yes
Been in a hot tub: never enough
Swam in the ocean: indeed
Fallen asleep in school: my, this is a silly test for teenagers isn't it? sorry... oh, and yes.
Broken someone's heart: yes
Cried when someone died: yes
Lied: of course. but rarely.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: no. i despise the phone. email however...
Wished you were someone else: no
Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: no
Ever loved someone that made you cry?: i have
Made out with JUST a friend?: i made out with my best friend
Been rejected?: yes
Been in love?: i've said it 3 times. and meant it 3 times.
Been cheated on?: no
Done something you regret?: regret is such a weird word

Red: paint
Blue: rain
Happy: purr
Autumn: crisp
Cow: silly
Greenland: close to iceland, which i'd like to visit.

do you...

Believe in love at first sight: yes
Enjoy parks: like wilderness better
Like picnics: yes
Like school: i wish i could go back
What schools have you gone to: too many
Hate anyone: __insert something lame here__

Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000: no. i couldn't.
Go to a hanson concert if you had a free ticket: no
Kill someone you didn’t know for 15 billion dollars: no
If you were stuck on an island, what person would you want with you: oprah winfrey
If you loved someone and you were keeping something from them and it would hurt them if they found out, would you tell them: dealing with that right now. and no, so far?
Who is the last person that called you: the phone is turned off, i don't have time to answer. but somehow, i have time to fill this out.....

Do you like filling these out: no, but it's 3 am and i'm having a coughing fit and can't sleep
Do you like yourself: yes, working on more each day
Do you do drugs: caffeine.
Have piercings below the waist?: no
Habla espanol?: hey mang
Stolen anything over $50? no
Smoke: no
Obsessive? no
Compulsive? no
Anorexic? no
Depressed? bah. no :)

THE END.

6 trick pony

EIGHT things I want to do before I die

06. Save the life of a suffering animal, or many.

well, i accomplished #6 on my things to do before i die list (see one of my first posts). it was nothing grand, nothing too heroic. but i just spent the last half hour chasing a baby bird around my loft, my cat in close tow, me wearing oven mits. must have been a pretty funny sight. and that little thing was wily. hid behind the stove, fridge, micrwave, toaster, desk... finally clamped my mits on it under the couch and released him squawking into the world of my balcony to fly another day.

on a nother note, someone nearby is cooking hashbrowns, and don't they smell good? yet another reason to buy groceries.

about the magazine progress:
wasn't Hialeah mentioned in the Black Stallion? oh wait, as if you'd know... and, more perplexing, why do i know?

i mean it, this is perplexing for specific reasons. i was explaining to a friend of mine today why i am thinking of calling my new little magazine "pony." myself and the other founder, so to speak, were having a beer yesterday and spitting out names when we came up with the word pony. we were thinking: it sounds cool, and it doesn't mean much. and when we looked for further meanings we found: a small shot glass, great! i enjoy drinking; and, to pony up on a bet, also great! i enjoy gambling. but, then, mildly intoxicated and well into our 2nd midday libation, we knew "pony" held a special meaning for us: we figured growing up there were pony girls, and non-pony girls. little girls who dream of riding and owning horses, and the others. we figured this might make for 2 different kind of adults. our "pony" magazine was for the "other" girl ( oh, and the boys who know them).

so i was reading a friend's message this afternoon that mentioned Hialeah, and i thought to myself, Hialeah, now wasn't that one of the places the Black Stallion raced? doubletake.... why do i know this?? was i a "pony girl?" i refuse to believe it. i don't remember it. all i can think is that some misguided babysitter dragged me to the movie.

whew.. way too much said on the subject, sorry.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i never owned a my little pony. i did however try to eat my strawberry shortcake doll. that enticing strawberry aroma. ya know?

oh, america

PETA is fighting to make donkey basketball illegal.

Walmart has built a special store for the Amish, with over 80 parking spots reserved for buggies only.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i take guilty pleasure in reality television shows. especially the news...

how nice for me

oh, how nice for me, look at the rejection letter i just received while working away like a slaving dog at the computer trying to finish the dryest of contracts. isn't life rosy?

ha! i laugh. the letter is the result of a poorly thought out and drunken inquiry, yes, on the part of yours truly. not that i'm saying Franz wasn't crushworthy and all. but i just have to laugh at myself sometimes. what else can one do? nice guy though. i appreciate the candidness...

REJECTION LETTER OF SHAME:

Hi Karenina:

By the way, Tomas mentioned vaguely that you were inquiring about me one day,
and I thought I should write you since I seem to run into you a lot lately.

Although flattered of course, I did want to come out and be honest in saying
that, having known you originally as Tomas' girlfriend, I don't think I can
really cross that bridge (even though I know you and Tomas are both way
beyond that). But still for me it would just be too strange to consider
given my very close relationship and friendship with Tomas. I guess maybe
I'm old fashioned, but I hope you understand.

I only bring it up because I've been led on enough in my life and often have
spent too long wondering what someone was thinking of me. I find it
exhausting always having the mind spinning about someone who may or may not
be on the same page, so I just wanted to let you know where I was at.

Anyway, hope you're well and I will see you around as always.

Franz

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INDENTITIES OF THOSE INVOLVED...

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i do not enjoy rejection.