lily

my great aunt lily is in an old age home. she helped raise me, taking care of me during the day between the time that my mom went back to work and when i was old enough for play school.

my mother was telling me today how horrible lily's situation is. she has extremely advanced alzheimers. but somehow, on some level, apparently she so badly wants out of the home, and to die, that she does anything that comes into her mind in order to have them kick her out. every day she strips down to nothing, hoping, i suppose, that if she gets found naked enough times they will ask her to leave. she also makes evening excursions into the kitchen looking for knives with which to kill herself. the thing is, lily cannot string together a sentence. she cannot bathe, she cannot eat. but she manages these attempts on her life.

my mother finds this incredibly sad, but i find it inspiring. even with her addled mind, in her deteriorated state, she wants her dignity. she wants to stop existing in her shadow realm, to have people remember her for the lovely woman which she was, and not for whom she has now become. i can only see her strength and determination as an indicator of a hopeful human spirit.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am wearing glasses a lot these days. unlike contacts, they only work on the 2 inch width they cover. in my peripheral vision, my feet are blurry, my food as it comes toward my mouth is blurry. it is very odd.