due to technical difficulty, we must interrupt our regularly scheduled programming...

until further notice.

but here's an inspirational quote to keep ya going, thanks to a friend:
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
(Proust)

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i have recently acquired an 80s, asymmetrical, black leather zip skirt and am now looking for a significant occasion for its debut. suggestions?

does anyone else ever feel like Sisyphus? remind me again how that story ends?

and is 30 really the new 20? or is it 40, the new 30?

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i am still up and working. i just love those times when you get to realize the true meaning of once casually tossed about terms such as "pulling out my hair." i think i just did it. my ponytails are all fucked up.

update

my brother didn't have a heart attack. he has a virus that attacks the fluids around the heart, so it is going to be o.k.

my dad, since hearing about antioxidants, thinks they are a license to eat as much dark chocolate as he can, and at least one triple chocolate ice cream a day.

if you add janes addiction, "jane says" and jeff buckley, "hallelujah" to the sap list you will jump off a bridge. i know, i am just towelling off now. be careful.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i only like the crust on lemon meringue pie. anything squishy like custard, meringue, or tapioca totally grosses me out. also mixing salsa and sour cream together when dipping chips, or even dipping the same chip in both sauces is a really terrible idea. this is all very important.

sap for sale

so here it is. a little early for valentines day: my sap mix. a blend of songs from relationships old, and older. it's horrendous i know. and slightly embarrassing. but it IS what i listen to whenever i'm feeling slightly melancholy. which i am right now.

made this mix for a guy who ended up lasting a whole two weeks (maybe it was his fear of dating someone quite this emo). but anyway, it stuck. i usually put it on in the morning, after finishing my cup of tea and a whole 2 minutes before jumping in the shower. don't think i ever hear what's in the middle.

Hello Tomorrow, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Hyperballad, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Clocks (Acoustic), Coldplay
The Blowers Daughter, Damien Rice
Delicate, Damien Rice
The Mess We're In, PJ Harvey
Rufus Wainwright - This Boy (live with sean lennon)
Satisfaction, Cat Power
These Days (Nico Cover), Elliott Smith
Lost Cause, Beck
Coney Island, Death Cab For Cutie
1000 kisses, blonde redhead
Lullabye, Emitt Rhodes
I Wanna Be Your Dog , Iggy Pop & The Stooges
Perfect Day, Lou Reed
And That's Saying A Lot, Natural Calamity
from the morning, Nick Drake
My Phone's On Vibrate For You, Rufus Wainwright
Black Star (Acoustic), Radio Head
Making Believe, Social Distortion
Is it okey if I call you mine?, Sondre Lerche
Maps, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Across the Universe, Beatles
Shiver (live acoustic), Coldplay

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i usually wear patterns. often 2 at a time.

emergency exits

i just put away the groceries in all the wrong places. it's an unfamiliar fridge, full of food (also unfamiliar). condiments and pickles, cheese and meat. so much it seemed redundant to be putting in 7 bags of new food, now crowding out the old food which will likely go bad in the corners. excessive. and also just plain dissociating, at a time like this. thank god for emergency exits.

you see, my mom just dropped the groceries on the floor and ran out the door. (you may recall that i am staying at my parents, for another 2 weeks). i had been lying in bed, reading "the in between world of vikram lall," when the phone rang. my brother is in the hospital. he couldn't get out of bed this morning. blurred vision, shaking and pain. my mom ran to the car, my car, telling me to put the perishables in the freezer, and having done that, i am now sitting here waiting. in real time. telling you, because i don't know what else to do.

you know, this blog is also somewhat of an emergency exit. i was going to write today that i am going to stop blogging. i've had some weird responses lately in comments and also emails that have been disquieting and called into question whether i am an extreme ego-maniac for writing about myself in this online forum. what i've realized this morning though, right now, is that i need the outlet. at times like this, i may not craft a particularly well-written or sensible entry, but i need to say something to someone. and i don't express emotion well in person. so maybe i'll stop answering the comments, i don't know. but i'll still write.

thank you for reading. as for me right now, i'm just going to sit here and wait.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i eat soup or cooked vegetables for breakfast. i don't like breakfast foods.

see

there is a 5-headed monster in the strip mall by my gramma's house. i just can see him when i look out the passenger window of my mom's car.

if you are ever in a rut or depressed, might i recommend taking a day, 2 or 3 rolls of film, and just going out and shooting like crazy. look at angles, look at light, look closely and look far away. i hadn't seen the circular, 5 point lights in that particular mall parking lot since i was a child: able to see only the sky through the small vantage point of my 3 foot tall height, having to look up, up, up to view anything on a long car ride. i hadn't noticed how 2 lights became 20 in the windows of the zellers restaurant. i hadn't noticed the aging patterns on the walls of angela's beauty salon,the way the shadows of his plants created zig zags on my friend's front stairs, the leftover sandle in the drained park wading pool signalling the end of summer.

and now i can't stop looking.

i was in a cafe today, having my usual thai salad and cup of soup, diet coke. out of the corner of my eye i saw an elderly lady approach the cash. she had a carrot cake, a sprite, and she had ordered a sandwich. i heard that the carrot cake was too much money, and she had to put it back. and then the sandwich was too much money, so she cancelled her order. buying the sprite with the 5 dollar bill she clutched in her hand, she sat down at a table, unwrapped her straw, and sipped her pop. i couldn't stand it. the way her trousers were rolled; her white, eighties thrift store runners. i asked the cashier what kind of sandwich she had ordered and was just about to pay for it when she began to wander out. i tried to stop her, saying that her sandwich was coming still. she looked confused, said she had only paid for a pop. i didn't know what to say. not wanting to embarrass her i said the store had an extra sandwich if she wanted to wait. she mumbled that she wasn't hungry and left.

i am still sad about the big piece of carrot cake and the sandwich special that she didn't get to eat. her 5 dollars, and what they bought.

RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: my favorite flower is the gerbera, and my favorite font helvetica. neither seems to be trying too hard, but both manage to please.

friends, don't blog drunk. don't email either. and don't call.

do throw salt over your left shoulder when you spill it. don't walk under ladders. no hats on the bed, and watch out for black cats.

juicy tidbit that makes me feel like an absolute idiot.

o.k. so let's say you were living in a city, and there was this guy that you thought, and you were fairly sure others thought, was one of the hottest guys in said city. now let's say this guy said to you: "karenina, i have always found you attractive. i know you are here for 3 more weeks. if at any time during those 3 weeks, you would like to spend the night with me, i would be honored. here is my contact info...."

what would you do?

would you get an instant contact high from the attention, and then realize that this guy was way out of your league so therefor ignore him for the rest of the night?

apparently, i would...

and what does that make me???????????????????????????

random fact: it seems i don't know a good offer when i hear it.

oh and p.s. yes, written while DRUNK.

CRASH

PART ONE:
today my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. a long story, but i am staying in my hometown, at my parents place right now, for the next 3 to 4 weeks. i know this may well be the last time i see my grandmother, or the last time i speak with her with any sense of lucidity, although there is actually very little of that left even at this point. she told me a few years ago that before she died, it was her biggest wish to see me happy (her definition of happy): with a partner, perhaps married, and with a stable career. today i am overwhelmed with emotion: sadness for her, and a huge sense of regret and fear that i cannot give her this vision of my life she wanted to see before she leaves us. she remembers the last boyfriend that i had, and she never remembers that we have broken up. would it be terrible to let her believe i am happily involved? would it be terrible to tell her i have landed my dream job?

PART TWO:
i am at an internet cafe. i am without connection at my parents house, and writing at a place like this feels rushed and strange. i don't feel that i can really express myself. so, i give you this: while i will check in from time to time, i won't post again until next wednesday. until then, miss me, talk amongst yourselves, and perhaps fill out the questionnaire in part three.

PART THREE:
these were questions asked of me by the thin white duke in the comments section. while i am dying to answer them, and will do so in due time, again, i don't feel as though this darkened room full of gamers is the appropriate place to do some serious self-reflection. but YOU CAN ANSWER THEM! wouldn't that be fun? please do... here goes:

Truthfully, on a scale of 1-100, how vain would you say you are?

Follow up: compared to your average Nerve.com [or online] dater, how vain would you say you are?

Follow up #2: compared to your average NYC Gen-Xer, how vain would you say you are?


RANDOM FACT ABOUT ME: i like chocolate chip mint ice cream in the summer, and strawberry or chocolate in the winter. the winter is a time for tradition, and the summer is a time to splash out, i think.